


The Bulge (Don't Bring a Weapon to a Public Beach)

by nagoyadelay



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: #Dickcourse2017, Comedy, Crack, Fandom, Horrible Puns in Fake User Names, Humor, Instagram, M/M, Mention of the Shooting Stars Meme, Of Course Victor's Favorite Instagram Filter is Valencia, Phichit Has Seen Every Episode of Mad Men, Social Media, The Thirstiest Fandom, Thin Mints are Inarguably the Best Girl Scout Cookie, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 11:30:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10943610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagoyadelay/pseuds/nagoyadelay
Summary: Victor posts a photo of Yuuri on instagram without realizing that it’s somewhat suggestive.A thirsty skating fandom collectively loses their shit.-Translations Available:Brazilian PortugueseRussian





	The Bulge (Don't Bring a Weapon to a Public Beach)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [O Pacote (Não Leve Uma Arma A uma Praia Pública)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11787177) by [Yoñlu (TheoKobayashi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheoKobayashi/pseuds/Yo%C3%B1lu)



> I finished a prompt within the allotted time frame! Written for this week’s [YOI Fic Friday](https://yoificfridays.tumblr.com/) Prompt: fandom.  
> \---  
> Thanks to the following readers for generously volunteering their time and effort to translate this story:
> 
> Yoñlu (TheoKobayashi), for their translation into [Brazilian Portuguese](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11787177)  
> Otto the Otter, for their translation into [Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/6249469)

Victor watches Yuuri walk along the shore, still dripping wet from his swim in the ocean. Victor has stayed put on the sand, safely watching him from underneath his giant beach umbrella; the beach town they're visiting only has 30 SPF sunscreen in their shops, and Victor needs at least 50 SPF to make sure that he doesn’t turn into a lobster.

“Yuuri!” Victor calls out. “Let me take a picture of you.” Yuuri waves back at him in acceptance, and Victor angles his phone to make sure that the sunlight doesn’t cause any flares.  

The resulting photo looks incredible to Victor's eyes, possibly the best photo of Yuuri he’s ever taken; Yuuri’s face is slightly turned to the left, and the sun is beginning to lower behind him. His eyes are attractively crinkled, his lips bowed in an open smile. Victor traces the firm slope of Yuuri’s shoulders with his eyes.

_Perfect_ , Victor thinks.

Victor puts the photo through his favorite instagram filter and uploads it without a second thought.

* * *

 

**v-nikiforov**

[IMAGE: photo of Yuuri facing forward, standing in front of the ocean waves.]

Liked by **phichit+chu** and **517 others**

 

**v-nikiforov** beach day  <33333

**baeclose2me** such relationship goals

**phichit+chu** cuuuuuute

**sainthasetsuburg** luv you guys

**yuriscatinatrenchcoat** IS NO ONE GOING TO COMMENT ON KATSUKI’S DICK PRINT

**vectornikiforov**

**katsukisdarkpast** holy shit holy shit look at that bulge victor nikiforov is the luckiest man on this stupid goddamn earth

**victuuri7878**

**eros-is-a-lifestyle** it’s just a shadow from the sunlight everyone calm the fuck down

**cao-bin-fan** that is not a shadow, that is a solid outline of what is clearly a penis

**jj_girl1991** someone tell Yuuri that bringing a weapon to a public beach is illegal in Japan

**bitchin+knife+shoes** my skin is clear, my crops are flourishing, my dick is ready

17 minutes ago

* * *

 

As they’re about to leave the beach, Victor looks down at his phone to see a flurry of notifications; at least double what he’s used to getting on a photo of Yuuri (although Victor’s photos of Yuuri are nearly always his most-liked). He swipes back to the photo he posted and frowns.

“Um, Yuuri?”  
  
“Yes, Victor?” Yuuri is trying to take down the giant beach umbrella.  It's a losing battle thus far.

“I kind of… posted a picture of you on instagram without realizing that the outline of your dick was extremely visible in your swim trunks and I’m very, very sorry.”  
  
“What?” The umbrella falls into the sand with a soft _thud_. “Victor, how does that even happen?”

“Well, I was focused on your beautiful face. And your shoulders. You have very nice shoulders. They have a very attractive curve to them. I didn’t really look past that before posting the photo.”

“Let me see.” Victor passes Yuuri his phone, the umbrella forgotten. “Hmm. I do like my face in this one. I look so happy.”

Yuuri continues to scroll. “Oh. I see it.”

Yuuri’s eyes slightly widen. “ _Oh_.”

Yuuri drops Victor’s phone.

“I’ll take it down,” Victor says, picking his phone up out of the sand.  
  
“Would you mind? You can repost it if you want, just… with my lower half cropped out.”

“As long as I can keep the full version for myself.”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
Victor deletes the offending photo from instagram, then quickly crops the photo and uploads the new version. “There. All fixed. It was only up for about 20 minutes. I doubt anyone will notice the change or even remember that the first photo existed.”

 

* * *

  **erosreborn** reblogged from **katsuki-nikiforovs:**

**HOW LONG IS YUURI KATSUKI’S DICK? THE DEEP (DICK) DIVE**

Listen up: I’m going to settle this once and for all with what little material we happen to have.

1) here is the original (quickly deleted - but not quickly enough!) instagram photo that Victor posted yesterday of Yuuri on the beach. Because of the thin material of the swim trunks you can CLEARLY see the bulge clear as day no matter how hard Victor went in on the Valencia filter. It’s DEFINITELY not a shadow, which is the dumbest thing in this fandom since people ACTUALLY believed that it was a fucking hug at CoC.

But: there’s no object in the photo to be able to anchor Yuuri’s height. It’s just beach and sand. (sidebar: I think that those thicc thicc thighs might actually be an optical illusion that makes the dickprint look smaller? Like how a huge door in a huge house looks like a small door. Or something like that, idk.)

2) this is a photo of Yuuri leaning against the boards at a rink (in Hasetsu, most likely) that Victor posted last year. Don’t quote me on this but I think I read once that most rinks are required to have boards at the same height (3 feet) so we can compare Yuuri’s height in this photo to his height in the beach photo. By cutting Yuuri out of the beach photo and inserting him into the rink photo at the same size as Yuuri at the rink (PHOTOSHOP MAGIC!!!), we can get a pretty accurate read based on the height of the boards.

Assuming Yuuri’s soft (can you get hard in the ocean? again… idk) his dick is about 5 ¾” flaccid (14.605 centimeters for our metric friends!). According to this article and this article the average penis grows an average of 1” from soft to hard so Katsuki’s probs just shy of 7 inches erect. BUT THAT’S JUST LENGTH. Width is harder (GET IT) to tell from this angle especially against those aforementioned thicc thighs (good lord do i want him to strangle me with them).

TAKE THIS WITH MANY MANY GRAINS OF SALT BECAUSE:

  * he could be a grower. like a massive grower.
  * this doesn’t account for circumference, which is hard to measure via sight (I personally like to believe it’s thick like his aforementioned magnificent thighs)



#yuuri katsuki #figureskating #dickcourse2017

**5,127 notes**

* * *

**worry-on-ice** reblogged from **victuurilap:**

**HOW WIDE IS YUURI KATSUKI’S DICK? NOW WITH BONUS GEOMETRY**

I know that by now everyone in the fandom has seen the post by katsuki-nikiforovs that did a pretty thorough job of investigating Yuuri’s dick length (thank you thank you). But I have one problem with it: they said that you can’t identify the width. Not so fast! I’ve cracked the code for width through some careful geometry and photo manipulation.

Let’s talk about the geometry of the shadows in the original photo. I’m going to go a little bit into mathematics major mode here. Based on the new photo manips by spicecastle13 where she compares the stock photo of the Uniqlo trunks Yuuri’s wearing (from Summer 2014 if you want to buy) to the wet ones that Yuuri’s wearing in the photo we can safely measure the diameter of the bulge outline at just over a 1.75 inches. Then we do some simple math for the circumference (diameter * pi) and that means Yuuri’s cock is about 5.5 inches around - which is somewhat above average according to this chart.

So like… he doesn’t have a Pringles can down there, but it’s also not a stack of dimes.   The closest equivalent would be a sleeve of thin mints (link for fans in other countries who might not know what they are and I’m terribly sorry if you don’t because they are wonderful and addictive). So it’s got a good level of thickness.

In the end, though, does it really matter? Victor smiles all the time for a reason.

#yuuri katsuki #victor nikiforov #figureskating #dickcourse2017

**2,875 notes**

* * *

“Have you ever heard of something called ‘thin mints’?” Victor asks, looking up from his phone at Yuuri. They’re heading back to St. Petersburg after their weekend at the beach, trying to cuddle as close together as they can at the airport in uncomfortable hard-backed chairs.

Yuuri moans in a way that Victor has never heard from him outside of the bedroom. “They’re the best cookies in the world. And you can only buy them once a year for some reason. I think that makes them taste better.”

Victor makes a mental note: _find a way to import thin mints to St. Petersburg._ “About how big would you say they are?” Victor asks. “Show me with your fingers.”

Yuuri makes a round shape with his thumb and forefinger.

“Very good. That’s… pretty close, actually.”  
  
“Close to what?” Yuuri asks.  
  
“Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Why are you suddenly asking me about thin mints?”

“No reason.”

 Yuuri eyes Victor suspiciously. “I don’t believe you.”

 "I just read something about them, that’s all.”  
  
“Oh, really? What did you read?”

“Nothing.”

“ _Victor_.”

 “Okay, okay. I was reading this.” Victor hands his phone over to Yuuri so that Yuuri can read.

“Wow, um. I can’t believe this."  Yuuri pauses.  “I don’t know where in the world they got the idea that all rinks have boards that are the same size. I know for a fact that Ice Castle Hasetsu’s are shorter than three feet.”

Victor just stares at Yuuri. “That’s all you can say? You’re being remarkably calm about this.”  
  
“Well… what else can I say? This whole… _thing_ … is ridiculous and embarrassing and I wish all of these strangers would stop talking about me. But there’s nothing I can actually _do_ about it. Didn’t you once tell me that I can’t control my own image?”  
  
“Something like that, yes.”

“You’d think something like this has never happened before,” Yuuri says. “But I know it has. There’s this famous American actor on a show that Phichit likes who wore khakis without underwear once and everyone lost their minds. Including Phichit.”

“Well, you have a very devoted fanbase and you don’t offer them a lot of… suggestive content.”

"Tie-pulling isn’t suggestive?”  
  
“Well, I mean it is, but this is different. I can’t articulate how… but it’s different.”

Victor’s phone buzzes. “Oh look, a text from Chris. Never mind, it’s just more eggplant emojis.” It buzzes again. “Now he says, ’Want some help with your situation? I can try to shake off the buzzards of speculation.'"

“That might not be a bad idea,” Yuuri says.

 

* * *

  **c-giacometti:** it’s not the size of the pole that matters, it’s how you dance on it.

1,780 retweets 6,020 likes

 

**intoxic8me:** @cgiacometti IS THIS A FUCKING SUBTWEET

**intoxic8me:** @cgiacometti DOES THIS MEAN YOU BANGED KATSUKI

**intoxic8me** : @cgiacometti HOW BIG IS YUURI’S DICK THO

**intoxic8me:** @cgiacometti TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW

**swisscat93** : @intoxic8me @cgiacometti oh my god calm down, this probably has nothing to do with Yuuri

**swisscat93** : @intoxic8me @cgiacometti you know chris pole dances right

**ShallWeKate:** @cgiacometti this doesn’t even make sense to me as a metaphor???

**Signaturemove1:** @cgiacometti are you saying you have a smaller but flexible dick? i don’t get it

* * *

Yuuri turns his phone on as their plane taxis to the arrival gate in St. Petersburg.

He turns the phone back off almost immediately.

“I thought Chris was going to do something to _stop_ the speculation! And did he have to reference the banquet?”

“I think he think’s he’s being clever and that he was being vague enough that no one would understand his meaning. And most people didn’t, really. Also, knowing Chris, he’s probably a little jealous of the attention your bulge is getting."

“Does he realize that I don’t _want_ the attention?” Yuuri buries his face in Victor’s shoulder.

“This will blow over soon,” Victor says.

“That’s what you said yesterday. And then Chris had to go and make it worse. I’m so tired of talking about my dick.”  Yuuri lifts his head up and looks pointedly at Victor. “When we get home, you and I are going to do something besides just _talk_ about it. Understand?”

Victor grins. “Oh, I understand _completely_.”

* * *

**[Youtube][COMPILATION: YUURI KATSUKI’S BULGE: a photo and video investigation]**

721,823 views

 

COMMENTS • 473

 

**Welcome2theSadness**

2:04 YOU’RE NOT CRYING VICTOR I’M CRYING IT’S BEAUTIFUL

**LeeSeung-NoChill**

victor nikiforov wouldn’t give “on love: eros” to anyone under seven inches

**LiveLaughLutz**

don’t all Asian guys have small dicks?

> **leroys-our-boy**  
>  **@LiveLaughLutz** that’s just a misleading stereotype; there’s no real proof to it.  here’s a link to a study that proved that Asian dicks are the same size as the rest of the population.

**The3MostAdorableSkatersInAsia**

what skater has the biggest dick? I bet it’s Giacometti

> **ThatNeutralFeeling**
> 
> **@The3MostAdorableSkatersInAsia** no waaay, i love Giacometti (10/10 would bang) but he’s overcompensating for something
> 
> **TheFlingAndTheWaiter**
> 
> **@The3MostAdorableSkatersInAsia** Phichit!
> 
> **almatymouse**
> 
> **@The3MostAdorableSkatersInAsia** Otabek Altin, and he calls it “The Pride of Kazakhstan”.

**katsu_adonis**

why care about how big it is when it’s attached to freaking yuuri katsuki (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)?

**my_so_called_agape**

WHY is no one asking about other dicks? Like Chulanont’s dick? He seems like he’d be a hell of a lot more fun than Katsuki

**thephenomenalonejjstyle**

god this is like some kind of figure skating penile zapruder film and i hate it and love it at the same time. this fucking fandom i swear

* * *

 “There’s a Youtube video now,” Victor says. His left arm is wrapped around Yuuri’s waist while he holds his phone in his right hand. Their untouched suitcases are in the living room. Their clothes are in the hallway.  
  
“Even with Eros at 1/16th the speed you look beautiful.” Victor points at his screen. “But do they not know what a dance belt is? And in that picture of us on the train it’s _definitely_ just a shadow.”  
  
Yuuri sighs. He had finally caved and turned his phone back on during the ride back to their apartment.  “Phichit messaged me this video where my dick outline is rocketing through space while this “[Shooting Stars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feA64wXhbjo)” song plays.”

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri. This is all my fault.”  
  
“Victor, I’m not mad at you. I know it was an accident. I’m just glad that they’re not harassing you about it. Or any other skaters, for that matter.”

 

* * *

**Phichit Chulanont Official** added 4 new photos.

[image][image][image][image]

49 minutes

> You’ve seen the King and the Skater final card battle… but have you seen it reenacted with hamsters?!?

Like Comment Share

 

**Michael Kim** That’s my favorite part!

**Alice Charlotte Edwards** this is so cute!! look at that hamster nibbling on the corner of the card!

**David Young** hey since you guys trained together do you know how big Katsuki Yuuri’s dick is?

> **Ashley Tilbury** WHY WOULD YOU ASK THIS UNDER YOUR REAL NAME
> 
> **Phichit Chulanont Official** please don’t ask me about this!

* * *

 

**I am Sara Crispino, Women’s Figure Skater and Grand Prix Finalist! AMA!**

submitted 6 hours ago by TheRealSaraCrispino

 

Hi, everyone! I’m looking forward to answering your questions about figure skating, or anything else you want to know about me before this year’s World Championships!

Proof: https://twitter.com/sara1crispy1/status/4359049052948529

Top 200 Comments

 

**Geminipilot** 2871 points

What’s the deal with your brother?

> **Lostinabigdarkvoidwithbread** 586 points
> 
> lol she didn’t answer this one
> 
>  

**complexfriendbaby** 1080 points

hi sara!  big big fan here :) what fellow competitors would you say that you’re closest to?

> **TheRealSaraCrispino** 1571 points
> 
> well, there’s my brother Mickey of course. We end up spending a lot of time together whether I want to or not! The female skater I’m closest to is Mila Babicheva – she’s a great competitor, a beautiful skater and a close friend off the ice. And I’m always happy to see Yuuri Katsuki when we’re at the same competitions!

 

**PM_ME_VIK_PICS** 1072 points

how big is Yuuri Katsuki’s dick?

> **TheRealSaraCrispino** 1863 points
> 
> um… I wouldn’t know, sorry! also that’s very rude to ask :/

 

* * *

 

**popovichgeorgi**

[IMAGE: black and white photo of Georgi in full makeup with arms crossed over his chest, looking up at the sky.]

Liked by **mila+babi** and 3,782 others

 

**popovichgeorgi** i believe that heartbreak makes you stronger. that knowing how to love helps you to live longer.

**anyasucks** Beautiful  <3333

**sleepingprinceofbelair** such an amazing artist. georgi you’re so inspiring  <3 <3

**viknikbasket** but how big is katsuki’s donger?

* * *

**infinitekatsudon** reblogged from **spoilmevictor:**

So recently people have taken it upon themselves to ask various skaters (Phichit Chulanont, Sara Crispino, Georgi Popovich) questions about the size of Yuuri Katsuki’s cock, and now it’s a stupid meme. It was bad enough when the speculation was just limited to us thirsty assholes on tumblr, but this - THIS IS NOT OKAY!   I REPEAT: THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT OKAY. THIS IS RUDE AND INVASIVE AND IT NEEDS TO STOP NOW.   Every longtime Katsuki fan knows that he is a very private person. Although he has yet to publicly comment, I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that he probably HATES everything that’s happened this week and would DEFINITELY NOT WANT YOU TO HARASS OTHER SKATERS. CUT IT OUT.

#yuuri katsuki #psa #figureskating #dickcourse2017

**2,870 likes**

 

* * *

 

Victor sighs. “This isn’t going away, is it?”

“Yurio wouldn’t even _look_ at me today. And Georgi said that my fans were ‘ruining his instagram aesthetic.’ And how am I going to face poor Sara Crispino? It’s not like there’s a ‘sorry my fans asked you about my penis’ card I can put in the mail.” Yuuri pauses. “Victor, are you listening?”

Victor smiles. “I‘ve figured out how to make it stop.”  
  
“What is it? Tell me.”  
  
"It’s more something I have to _show_ instead of _tell_. But I know it will work. And I’m going to need your help.”

Yuuri sighs. “I’ll do anything.”

* * *

**v-nikiforov**

[PHOTO: black and white image of Victor lying in bed in his underwear with a _very_ visible bulge.]

Liked by **christophe-ge, PARarthezzz** and 3,782 others

 

**v-nikiforov** how big do you think it is?

**victorwithak** adjkfklad;fkadgdklgdl;ga

**christophe-ge**

**bekas+shitty+bike** OH MY GOD

**guanghong+yee** VICTOR SHOWING WHY HE’S THE G.O.A.T.

**viktorwithac** five time grand prix champion THICKtor DICKforov

**binktop_of_the_world** but really tho… how big do you think victor’s dick is?

**Author's Note:**

> [jizart did a beautiful job recreating Victor's photo of Yuuri!](https://nagoyadelay.tumblr.com/post/174067661157/in-honor-of-the-first-anniversary-of-the-bulge)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! hit me your best dick jokes and dick size theories at [nagoyadelay](https://nagoyadelay.tumblr.com).
> 
> Special thanks to to Victuuri Writing Chat (<3) and especially [seventhstar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar) for linking me to how to insert an emoji into this fic.


End file.
